amberite: Sollux Captor, a Homestuck troll with grey skin, warm-colored horns and one red and one blue eye, depicted as an adolescent. He's peering out from behind his (also red and blue) glasses. The expression on his face is fearful, curious and determined. (Default)
[personal profile] amberite
Please pardon the long silence.

I wish I had come sooner, but wishing and regrets only delay me further. So here I am, without further ado.

When you have an autistic/ADHD brain, with fiddly frontal lobes and tetchy dopamine regulation, flow psychology becomes ludicrously, absurdly important to the exercise of free will, as do patterns of feedback and reward.

I can lift hand-weights until I get bored and have modest gains at most, but recently I swam in the ocean again, just two days of paddling against waves, and can still see the difference in my upper arms. Dynamic resistance, a balance of support and hindrance in motion. I can only push through the immediate burn of exertion when there is something equal to it within me and behind me to push with.

For a while that wasn't there. More recently, just this year, I've had the impetus but not the environment. The understanding that I need to swim again, literally and metaphorically, has been present, but I also need currents to push against. Forces that pull at me and call me into motion.

And the ones I've had access to recently have ranged from suboptimal to downright toxic, which is, I guess, what you get when the Reward Machine is run by the Advertising Machine these days, and has tuned its mechanism to extract will and money from our behavior very finely indeed.

I've had difficulty finishing books, in the last few years - something I'd been doing without trouble for my entire life before. (That too is coming back.)

I blame brain chemistry and burnout, but also, the online environments I've been in have provided the wrong kind of flow; tiny bites of erudition, instantaneous response. Dynamism, turbulance, but almost no resistance.

I came to those environments because my wrists were giving me trouble (they still are, but if I avoid rapid messaging, I at least have the physical stamina now to write a screenful of text) and stayed because my cognition and mental pacing recalibrated to match, and I couldn't find an exit point, a place where it made more sense in the immediate to return to...

...this, to thinking out loud with genuine structure. Missives complete within themselves, instead of just random scraps. A space into which determination and identity can unfold.

It seemed so difficult, because the things that were easy were also stealing from me.

So a few days ago I reconnected with old friends in person, and we agreed, an accountability pact, to return together here, because this is where there's a living architecture that gives us space to be ourselves and escape the cycle, and we've all known this for a while (but it's so hard, when you're being stolen from, and everyone else is being stolen from, and...) and here I am.

It feels better already.

Let us Make something once more.

Date: 2016-08-18 11:06 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
Welcome back.

Here is definitely better than The Other Place, for many things.

Date: 2016-08-18 11:14 pm (UTC)
teaotter: Da Qing looks up (orange color scheme) (Default)
From: [personal profile] teaotter
*waves happily*

There is something compelling about a place that is stealing from you in small amounts. By which I mean that it attracts the attention the way that bug bites do, and is similarly distracting and diverting at the same time. Scratching that itch feels soothing, even if it really isn't.

Date: 2016-08-18 11:18 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
Question - are you going to link your two "heres" together?

Date: 2016-08-18 11:25 pm (UTC)
kailing: self portrait of me in front of my bedroom door, with purpled [and blued] hair, being very heart shaped (Default)
From: [personal profile] kailing
*listens, chirrups*

Date: 2016-08-18 11:33 pm (UTC)
krait: a troll in profile with wavy horns and teal eyes (troll!self)
From: [personal profile] krait
Glad to have you back!

I have been trying to be "here" a little more, too, though some RL events have interceded this last month (and will probably continue into the next). Even when I'm not able to muster up a post of my own, I've been reading regularly and commenting where I can.

Date: 2016-08-19 08:14 am (UTC)
azurelunatic: The Space Needle by night. Slightly dubious photography. (Default)
From: [personal profile] azurelunatic
Hi hi hi!

My life has gotten ... weird. Er.

Date: 2016-08-19 12:55 pm (UTC)
mme_starstuff: (Default)
From: [personal profile] mme_starstuff
I feel you on more of the attention/brain habits than I care to admit. It was bad enough before I got sick last spring, but mostly unable to do much but lie on the sofa holding a lightweight phone or tablet, slowly my media intake habits changed, and then my output did. I still write newsletter updates as we talked about, but it's hard to read novel-length things, academic papers, and so on, which is a bit problematic for everything from job to personal life. Hopefully interacting with My People more here will help. 💙
Edited Date: 2016-08-19 07:31 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-08-20 04:06 am (UTC)
arethinn: (campbell (excited))
From: [personal profile] arethinn

Date: 2016-08-22 10:15 pm (UTC)
thedigitalkuri: (DOOM)
From: [personal profile] thedigitalkuri
Welcome back :D


amberite: Sollux Captor, a Homestuck troll with grey skin, warm-colored horns and one red and one blue eye, depicted as an adolescent. He's peering out from behind his (also red and blue) glasses. The expression on his face is fearful, curious and determined. (Default)

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